LEAN INTO VULNERABILITY TO ACHIEVE AUTHENTICITY

Brené Brown is a self-described “researcher storyteller,” with a PhD in social work. She has spent the last decade studying and doing research on vulnerability, courage and authenticity.

“Connection is why we are here,” she said in a recent TED speech, which was recommended to us by a friend and fellow traveler on the road to authenticity. “[Connection] is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” And connection requires authenticity, Brown’s research shows.

Here’s why: One of the main qualities that separate those who have a strong sense of love and belonging from those who don’t is a willingness to be truly seen. These are people who can let go of who they think they should be and be real about who they are. They have learned to embrace vulnerability, which Brown says is absolutely essential for connection.

Embracing vulnerability is also essential to having authentic conversations. Enduring relationships characterized by trust, respect, acceptance, and compassion begin with willingness to be vulnerable. To achieve true connection, you have to live without guarantees. You must invest in relationships that might not work out.

Brown also connects her research to the vitriolic nature of our public conversations, particularly in politics and the media, because the fear that gives birth to vulnerability tends to get cloaked in desperate uncertainty.

Our need to wall off fear and vulnerability inspires us to transform uncertainty into certainty, whether it’s about religion, politics or personal philosophies.  Blaming others becomes the easiest way to discharge discomfort. We retreat into mindsets of “I am right. You’re wrong. Shut up.”

The antidote to this requires developing an appreciation of our vulnerabilities and the courage to snuggle up to them. Truly connecting with others — colleagues, children, partners, and friends — require most of us to develop new skills, Brown says.

The price we pay for our lack of authenticity is steep, because we shut ourselves off from what is real. We scurry to find ways to numb ourselves to painful emotions. But because it is impossible to selectively shut down emotions, we also disconnect from our compassion and joy. In the worst cases, we turn to destructive habits and unhealthy addictions.

Everyone shares a desire for clarity around who they are, and the confidence to share that with others. It is one more reason to develop the skills and commitments required for authentic conversations.

“When we work from a place that says, ‘I am enough,’ we stop screaming and start listening,” Brown says. “Because we are kinder and gentler with ourselves, we can be kinder and gentler with other people.”

Written by Maren and Jamie Showkeir

Owners of henning-showkeir & associates, inc., and co-authors of Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment.

CIVIL IS NOT NECESSARILY AUTHENTIC

We recently received an email from a dear friend and colleague with whom we are working closely to foster civil civic conversation in our community. It contained a comment she saw in a forum discussion on the website of The National Coalition for Dialogue & Deliberation (NCDD), a 1,400-member organization formed in 2002 that promotes learning and collaboration around innovative ways to bring people together for productive conversations around our communities’ most challenging problems.

Here is the posting:

It seems to me there is need to begin de-emphasizing the word “civility” as we seek to engage the full political spectrum in conversation. Cognitively, the word “civility” has a defensive posture to it and can, therefore, not be “heard” (or is often heard with suspicion by many as meaning “be nice” — don’t be honest.)

A reframe to “civil conversation” (overused and thus meaningless), could be “authentic conversation”, “meaningful conversation”, “getting real”, “telling it like it is”….

The initial reaction to his post was defensive (even though I couldn’t help liking his reframe suggestion of “authentic conversations.”) Who could possibly advocate that we don’t need to establish “civility” in our society, when harmful effects due to the lack of civility are evident every day?

But on further reflection, we began to open up to the writer’s point. In fact, it was related to a blog we wrote last year.

The adjective “civil” has its roots in “citizen,” according to the dictionary.  “Civilized” denotes courtesy and etiquette, with an underlying connotation that it is acceptable to withhold what we consider in the truth in the name of keeping the peace. “Civil often suggests little more than the avoidance of overt rudeness,” according to the synonym discussion below the dictionary definitions.

Surely solving our complex, tangled problems demands more of our conversations than avoiding contention or disagreement. Civility in its purest form is not only a perfect recipe for potential resentment; it destroys trust, is unproductive and is potentially dangerous to the common good.

Authentic conversations, as we define them, require telling the truth as we know it — always with goodwill — and the ability to sincerely argue another person’s viewpoint. When we get clear about our intention to be authentic, we come to the conversation with an open and curious attitude. Added to that is a sincere to desire to solve problems in a way that serves the best interests of the whole (community, enterprise, business) rather than satisfying the need to “get our way.”

Truly meaningful civic conversations are those where people choose to be authentically collaborate with each other in the interest of strengthening our communities. They require something far more robust than civility.

WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: STAY PRESENT

Our final bit of advice in honor of the New Year and Decade is the present of presence, via our friend and Larry Dressler, our fellow Berrett-Koehler author who authored Standing in the Fire. He posted a blog about “holiday presence” that we found meaningful and useful as a guide to remembering the power of being present to the moment.

 

Staying present is essential to having authentic conversations. It helps us be both participants and observers as we engage others. The participant/observer skill will help you manage your own emotional reactions so they don’t get in the way of what you’re trying to accomplish, so that you can better observe the emotional reactions of others. If we can describe what we’re seeing in others — without judgment or defensiveness— we can help get those emotions expressed, which will allow the focus to remain on the content of the conversation.

 

Larry suggests keeping a talisman with five knots in your pocket, with each knot representing a question that will help you stay present. Adapting this technique to keep our intentions for authentic conversations at the forefront is easily done:

 

§         Who am I here for? (What is it I want to create in this moment, with this person?)

§         Why am I here? (How will this conversation serve the good of the whole business or enterprise in which we are engaged?)

§         What can I release from my grasp (e.g., an expectation, distractions, judgment, desire to “win”) that will put me into a stronger partnership with my reason for being here?

§         What would my wisest friend or teacher whisper in my ear at this moment? (Who are your role models for being authentic?)

§         Where in my body can I imagine compassion hiding, taking safe refuge, and reminding me of its ongoing presence? (How can I demonstrate goodwill, even if things are getting tense, or difficult?)

 

Reflecting on those questions before a conversation, or in the moments when the going gets a little difficult will give you the gift of “presence.” And don’t forget to breathe.

WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: BABY STEPS

This is the second of three offerings of wisdom in honor of a New Year and Decade.

 

This insight sprang from our family’s holiday tradition in our family of giving books we think our loved ones will find meaningful and useful. Our daughter gave us a book by Robert Maurer called One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way. It is a short, easy-to-read guide with practical advice on how to begin life’s longest journeys — with the proverbial single step.

 

Maurer is a psychologist and consultant who believes that the Kaizen philosophy of small, continuous improvement help our brains shortcut fear and the “fight or flight” reactions inspired by big change.

 

One of the suggestions we found particularly useful was the idea of “visualizing” your way to positive change. For example, we often hear from people who tell us they want to engage in authentic conversations at work, but are stymied by the traditional organizational cultures that reward manipulation and compliance as a means of getting along and getting ahead. Speaking the truth, especially to those who we see as having “power” over us, feels too risky. Consequently, even though people can see the business benefits of telling the truth with goodwill, owning their own contribution to a problem and raising difficult issues, the fear of doing it keeps them stuck.

 

One of the ways to make the change feel less daunting is to spend only a minute or two each day imagining an authentic conversation with a colleague, peer or supervisor. These mental mini-rehearsals are safe, and kick start the brain into a new habit. In one minute, you can imagine what you might say or do differently in specific situations, and reflect on how outcomes might be different if you do.

 

The next step might be equally small, yet powerfully effective. Think about one small action you could do each day, or even a few times a week, that would inch you along in your desire for authentic conversations. For example, you might vow that at least once a day, you will tell the truth as you know it, with compassion and goodwill, in a situation where you might once have kept silent instead.

 

Maurer says these tiny, incremental steps trick the brain into thinking, “This is such a small change, it’s no big deal. Nothing to be afraid of here.”

 

And it is in these small changes that big transformation slowly unfolds.

WISDOM FROM FRIENDS: QUESTION YOURSELF

In honor of a New Year and Decade, in the next three weeks we will be sharing wisdom that others have shared with us. We are grateful to our generous friends, whose gifts have sparked fresh reflections about living out our intentions to engage others in authentic conversations.  The notion of becoming truly authentic — in the sense of being clear about who we want to be and making choices about how to do it — is less daunting when we remember that it is a daily, lifelong process. It helps to remember that change is rarely the instant transformation we sometimes yearn for.

 

This week, we’ll start with questions by Shiloh Sophia, which our friend and colleague Jeff McCollum sent in a holiday email. They have a yin/yang rhythm we like. The questions are framed in a way that emphasize the importance of being willing to let go of one thing in order to achieve the benefits of another. The questions are a different iteration of an activity we often do with clients, called “Gains and Losses,” that bring into focus the necessity of releasing in order to receive.

 

Question number 10 also gets at an idea we think frequently gets overlooked, especially in the workplace — the ability to grieve and let go of the past so you can look toward creating a shared, preferred future.

 

We hope you find these questions useful.

1.      What is it I am committed to starting?

2.     What is it I am committed to finishing?

3.      Who is it I am excited about being?

4.      Who is it in me I am excited about letting go?

5.      Where is it I will spend my time?

6.      Where is it I will spend less of my time?

7.      Who will I reach out to and connect with?

8.      Who will I surrender and let go?

9.      What is it I feel really good about?

10.  What is it I need to forgive myself for?